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Thursday, March 25th, 2004

Time:11:06 pm.
You know you're best friends when you talk about this and love it, too. (character concept talk for a game)

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happy_bivouak: mine is gonna be HUGE
happy_bivouak: he'll be BUFF
yade_the_kitten: lol
yade_the_kitten: so, same family? like, kind of like.... a House?... related, or just living in the same houshold?
happy_bivouak: if I could find gold chains, he's wear those too!
happy_bivouak: yeah yeah!
happy_bivouak: what city hometown?
yade_the_kitten: Laru ran away, so she has none
yade_the_kitten: you guys can bring her back :D lol
fuileachd: :D
fuileachd: and then rape her
yade_the_kitten: mmmm
fuileachd: ravage her actually
fuileachd: dags can be rough
fuileachd: XD
yade_the_kitten: *dies*
happy_bivouak: rape is cliche
happy_bivouak: raping them and getting them to like it
happy_bivouak: and WANT it more
happy_bivouak: that takes tallent
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Thursday, March 18th, 2004

Time:6:38 pm.
O_O

yeah not easy setting yourself rules.

the pain is pretty bad now 24/7, but i did go to class this afternoon because i had to.

afterwords i ran into felix, and didn't plan on talking long - but well we did. longer than usually, at least. he was very worried because i am sick, and we talked about fms and he asked a lot of questions and really seemed crushed. i had no idea he cared that much. and i had to laugh and smile so much - and forgot about the pain, in his presence. i just noticed this. i think that's one of the reasons why i long for him. the pain suddenly seems much lighter when being around him, and even talking about the pain felt relieving because he wanted to know. i wish we weren't just talking in the hallway, because i really crave such caring attention right now. =_=

gah. might write him a letter or an email. i guess. yeah. i'd love to spend an evening with him just talking, but don't know of how i could ask him. he said he'll be busy this weekend (we mentioned "dawn of the dead" which we both want to see) - so, yeah. he'll be busy, but ah? i think i'm going to have him give me his email adress so i can write him tonight. i need to do something.

and: stephan is awesome. we're going to watch "snuff road" tonight, an utterly violent German movie. oh yes! wonderful distraction on a night like this.

intermediate diploma verbal exam on tuesday, and i need to study this weekend as well.

and argh. haven't done any concept art for my solo project yet, and haven't touched maya in a while, too. hmmm. ideas! cometh to me!

on saturday our drawing class will go to the zoo, and i hope i will feel better by then.

full day of class tomorrow, and can't skip either of them or else i won't pass the subjects. eehh.

bunnies!
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Subject:moments of clarity are priceless
Time:12:40 am.
tired rantCollapse )
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Tuesday, March 16th, 2004

Subject:wheee.
Time:12:10 am.
felix is so cute it's terrible.

he makes me all shy and stuff.

he is like blue clouds. like, light blue clouds ... puffy clouds. not pink, you know?

him being quiet and shy and calm makes my anger go away. and even when i am more than mad at him, he just smiles at me, and all my anger and hatred at the world go *poof*. i'm a dark red violent storm, and he's the light blue that's soft and ... there .. but not there? O_O distanced but near? ... transparent/translucent? can't even grasp the right word.

and he makes me laugh. and that's good. and i make him laugh. well all i sort of do is goof around in his presence since i get too nervous anyway. or i ignore him completely and play aloof and run away. or he runs away.

ah, this sucks. i get all .. obsessed. *dies*

i am not obsessed! really! just having fun! O_O healthy fun! *nod nod*

liiiight bluuuuueeeeeeeeeee
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Monday, March 15th, 2004

Time:9:40 pm.
... so much easier to write in eternal crisis now. doesn't make much sense, in a way, it's still a lj, but ah.

so .. he sits down next to me in an empty room. O_O

and then i am in pain and have to leave early from drawing class because i hurt, so i wait outside and he rushes past, and i ask him boldly if he's going to come over tomorrow night for a movie, because i don't care anymore and am sick of this hide-and-seek game. and he says hmmmmmmm not sure at all, he might go to the theater, lost in translation with moritz. and without taking another breath he adds if i'd like to come with him. and i say yes, and he says he will tell me if he feels up for a movie tomorrow night or not. he seemed worried that i was sick (still), and maybe he was just scared of me being so bold that he asked me. we'll see tomorrow.

so. it all doesn't matter in a way ....

i am going to skip class tomorrow all day, my body needs resting and as long as i don't have to do work for the project, i will take as much time as i need for the pain to get better.

and i helped one of my teachers today with maya, oh my that felt weird. O_O

and carrying a huge tv camera on your shoulder while leaning out of a driving car is damn exciting. sometimes i wish i would've become camera woman. we're using both digi beta and dv cam, and oh my the technology is so sexy and nice and there are so many possibilities to be creative ....

the drawing teacher was very worried when i told him i am not feeling well, and marc listened and asked if i had a cold .. he seemed worried, and i sort of just said "pain in my joints" and he looked at me weird and thought that was just a lame excuse for pms. O_O i guess it makes sense, but i don't know what else to say, when i say "fibromyalgia" nobody knows what it is, and it's really not great to explain that to everyone, especially people you don't know well.

and the CAT .. is interesting. he visited me last night, when stephan was over, and unlike the other times i had guests, this time he ran straight up to stephan and wanted to be cuddled. O_O wow. first time he likes someone else besides me. the cat ran away from felix and jan. stephan is such a kitty. ^_^
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Sunday, March 14th, 2004

Time:7:44 pm.
I'm more upset at myself for having pretended to be fine and happy and alright with him letting me down - than for him to actually not come over. Next time I am in a situation like this, I will definitely be honest and _say_ that I am disappointed and angry and hurt. >_<

I want him to _suffer_. I want him to feel bad that he canceled the movie just a few hours beforehand, and that he knew he hurt me in doing so. I want him to know I feel terrible.
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Subject:yeah, so it happens.
Time:5:57 pm.
O_O

I had this series of odd dreams last night, all of them very vivid, but not related.

Hope to write them down later. Met this ... aweful hot young man wearing this black/silver armor suit. O_O *dies*

And Felix just called me that he wants to vist me some other time, and not tonight. He did call, at least. He said maybe tomorrow night, and I just said it doesn't matter, doesn't have to be soon, and I pretended to be happy and neutral. And. Yeah. Just when I was determined enough to sit him down to talk to him about how I feel - he doesn't want to see me. O_O *stabs felix*

I think I'll make Stephan watch another movie with me tonight .. to distract me. I hurt. =_=
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Saturday, March 13th, 2004

Time:7:42 pm.
O_O

What do you do when you're suddenly disgusted by one of your close friends.

Argh.
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Time:7:10 pm.
Yesterday I fought against the illness and went to cartoon movie dispite the pain - today I surrendered and stayed at home all day, in bed and on the couch. =_= The pain today wasn't as bad as it was yesterday, but I just didn't want to deal with it anymore. Ah. I guess that means I'm back in hiding mode.
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Friday, March 12th, 2004

Time:10:06 pm.
And, people at school:

I yelled a very sarcastic comment across the school yard today, towards Goro and Felix. I didn't actually mean it in a bad way, but I saw that they didn't like my humor at all. And I saw them getting upset and talking about me. And you know what? It felt good. It felt good to make them upset. Since they aren't trying to be friends with me, and don't put a single effort into getting to know me or having me as a friend - well, fuck, why should I then still play the nice little girl. I might as well make them real mad, and if they hate me, I have no reason to worry about trying to be friends with them anymore.

Moritz was the only one whom didn't take the remark so seriously, and whom talked with me and joked around. He's cool. But then again, very superficial.

Felix said he wants to watch more Berserk this sunday with me (said it last sunday), but phphhhhh I so won't do it. I won't call him and won't try to find him at school, and if he does call on sunday I'll tell him I am not in the mood anymore.

I'm really done with sucking up and all this shit.
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Time:10:00 pm.
this lj:

Wondering if the name is too "dark" --- if it would eat my darkness away, or if it lets the darkness build up even more. but its not really, dark? And no other name forced its way to me? better to trust my intution and heart, and not my brain?

I'll see and watch this lj. I am just not in the mood to change lj soon.

This lj is ...... vast wasteland. dusty. orange. grey. brown. yellow. -- but not _one_ color, just a mix of all of them? wind... lots of... wind....but comfortable. silent?.. loud?... some space inbetween. and so vast it's comforting and soothing. and the dust and wind wraps around you like a blanket.

Oh. And since the whole writing about bdsm and such stuff failed on my other other lj, I will move it here. I feel safe enough here. Mmmmm. Maybe a little story here and there. I do have a few characters that like to speak up now and then. *purr* Including my own kitten.
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Time:9:12 pm.
FMS is starting to _really_ bother me again. There I get this chance to be at CARTOON movie, and what happens? After the first day I am in so much pain I can hardly sleep, and 6 hours of sleep didn't make it better. This morning the pain was so bad that I hardly was able to stand up, even. Fuck. What the hell? And I had to leave early this afternoon from the event, because I couldn't deal with the pain anymore, it made me aggressive as well, and I will try to get at least 10 hours of sleep tonight. I had to skip 2 move screenings, as well as the big dinner tonight.

I do something once that I am passionate for - and what happens? I am in damn pain. What kind of life is that? I don't understand the message of this illness. I really don't. The pain hasn't been this bad for _months_. Yes it's been fairly bad for two weeks now, but this morning the burning was so strong I thought my cells were going to explode.

It's hard to _not_ get upset. Same shit happened when I was at MICA, I wanted to paint and draw and what happened, the pain grew so bad that I had to stop and realized I'll never be a "real" painter artist or similar, because my body can't take it - so I switched to the digital version. And what happens? I get the damn unique chance to attend cartoon movie, where all the kick ass producers and companies hang out, and my body can't deal with a full day of the event and 6 hours of sleep and gets so fucked up it makes me cry.

What the hell. What am I supposed to work, really? What does my body want from me? I'd like for _once_ to be able to leave the house longer than a few hours and not have fucking pain. What will I do at SIGGRAPH, if this happens again? I crashed even after just one day of cartoon movie - and siggraph is like .. what... a week? And I want to do student volunteer, where I have actual responsiblity, not like now where I can fortunately just drop out when I need to.

The problem is the pain immediately fucks with my brain, and I get in such aweful depressive mood swings, it makes me want to hide even more. I don't want to hide anymore. I struggled this morning with myself to not go at all today, and stay in bed - but I didn't. I forced myself to get up and take a shower and get dressed, and to drive for an hour to Potsdam.

I don't want to have to force myself. I'd like to be free and wanting to go outside. Having to force myself creates this constant battle, every day is a battle of this endless war. I want to look forward to a day, not forcing myself to move while every inch of my body screams in pain back at me.

After I left this afternoon, I went inline skating for an hour. It hurt but it felt good - the wind and the fresh air and the speed ... and hell, who cares about the pain - and then miracously the pain lessened...... it's back now since I am at home, but at least I was able to get outside for a bit.
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