FMS is starting to _really_ bother me again. There I get this chance to be at CARTOON movie, and what happens? After the first day I am in so much pain I can hardly sleep, and 6 hours of sleep didn't make it better. This morning the pain was so bad that I hardly was able to stand up, even. Fuck. What the hell? And I had to leave early this afternoon from the event, because I couldn't deal with the pain anymore, it made me aggressive as well, and I will try to get at least 10 hours of sleep tonight. I had to skip 2 move screenings, as well as the big dinner tonight.
I do something once that I am passionate for - and what happens? I am in damn pain. What kind of life is that? I don't understand the message of this illness. I really don't. The pain hasn't been this bad for _months_. Yes it's been fairly bad for two weeks now, but this morning the burning was so strong I thought my cells were going to explode.
It's hard to _not_ get upset. Same shit happened when I was at MICA, I wanted to paint and draw and what happened, the pain grew so bad that I had to stop and realized I'll never be a "real" painter artist or similar, because my body can't take it - so I switched to the digital version. And what happens? I get the damn unique chance to attend cartoon movie, where all the kick ass producers and companies hang out, and my body can't deal with a full day of the event and 6 hours of sleep and gets so fucked up it makes me cry.
What the hell. What am I supposed to work, really? What does my body want from me? I'd like for _once_ to be able to leave the house longer than a few hours and not have fucking pain. What will I do at SIGGRAPH, if this happens again? I crashed even after just one day of cartoon movie - and siggraph is like .. what... a week? And I want to do student volunteer, where I have actual responsiblity, not like now where I can fortunately just drop out when I need to.
The problem is the pain immediately fucks with my brain, and I get in such aweful depressive mood swings, it makes me want to hide even more. I don't want to hide anymore. I struggled this morning with myself to not go at all today, and stay in bed - but I didn't. I forced myself to get up and take a shower and get dressed, and to drive for an hour to Potsdam.
I don't want to have to force myself. I'd like to be free and wanting to go outside. Having to force myself creates this constant battle, every day is a battle of this endless war. I want to look forward to a day, not forcing myself to move while every inch of my body screams in pain back at me.
After I left this afternoon, I went inline skating for an hour. It hurt but it felt good - the wind and the fresh air and the speed ... and hell, who cares about the pain - and then miracously the pain lessened...... it's back now since I am at home, but at least I was able to get outside for a bit.